Dear student:

Sometimes I want to respond to an email and not be diplomatic:

"Dear complaining student,

I realize you were not paying attention when I explained this assignment. Or when I re-explained it. Or when I suggested to the class for the 20th time that if they didn't understand to come to my office hours and I would try to help. With that in mind, the last week of class is probably too late to ask me what you can do to improve your grade. Or if I give extra credit. When you get your first job ask your boss if she gives extra credit. Or your loan officer.

I'm also already aware that you have 7 other finals all due on the same day. And that you work three jobs. Find me a student who doesn't. What you fail to realize is that pretty much every one of your teachers went through the same thing. I worked and put myself through school at the same time. And I'm not so impressed when you complain about having five days to do a take home exam with 4 questions on it. During my PhD I once wrote 36 pages in 72 hours. I also wrote a six chapter dissertation of over 200 pages in six months while starting a new full time tenure track job. (Yes, I'm bragging there a little).

Any professor who decides things are too tough for you because you can't do the same work every other student has to do isn't doing you any favors.

And another thing, I don't grade anybody harsher because I hate them. I don't know any of my students well enough to hate them. Sure, there are a lot that don't make a good impression on me. Perhaps I even dislike them. But I grade on performance, not personality."

Man, did that feel good to write. Sometimes I really wonder why a student thinks their rhetorical approach of insulting or whining is going to work. Did it work on a different professor? I can't believe it did but then again I've also heard some bizarre stories over the years.

I have had times where I didn't perform to my full ability or turned something in late or had a teacher that really sucked. But you know what? I still took responsibility for my actions. Sure, that graduate student had no business teaching Comp Sci 101 but I shouldn't have blown off so many classes or slept so much when I did go. So it was my fault I failed. Actually, I never should have taken the class in the first place but again, my fault for not doing the research about the class or not dropping when I could have. Not crazy graduate student instructor who got mad when I asked for help.

How about you? You ever get a bad grade that wasn't your fault? Not even a little?

Just don't try to tell me you have a 4.0 except that now you're getting a D in my class. We can look that sort of thing up.