Pimp and Circumstances

Last week was graduation. I looked damn fine in my Doctoral Cap and Gown. As always.

For those who don't know, Doctoral robes are a lot fancy than the plain black you wore for your graduation ceremony. Velvet highlights, puffy hats, metallic "gold" tassels. The works. The school I received my PhD from goes even further and rocks the alternate color robe. Regal purple. Did I mention I looked damn fine?

I have two theories on the color. First is that it is a safety feature. That part of the country is known for heavy snow. You go down in a snow bank in that purple and rescuers will have an easier time finding you. The other is a message to other schools. And that message is, "Our degree costs more."

While sweating out the ceremony in the poorly ventilated gym (it holds more people than the auditorium but is hotter then hell inside) I kept myself awake by jotting down some notes that should prove useful if you ever find yourself being asked to be the Commencement speaker at a graduation. Commencement speakers seem to think that what they have to say is important and everyone is excited to hear their words of wisdom. I've done several of these now. I've heard one good speaker in all the ones I've attended.

So with that in mind, here is what you need to think about when you compose your speech. You may want to write these down for future reference.

• Be brief. Even if you haven't started writing yet, it is already five minutes too long.
• Only try to be funny if you are genuinely funny. Be honest about this. Are the only laughs you get pity laughs or from terrified underlings?
• Don't be in love with the sound of your own voice.
• Dramatic pauses are not dramatic at 8 in the morning. They're annoying at best, invitations to fall asleep at worse.
• Avoid cliches. I hate the part where you tell us all about what it was like for you when you sat "right where these graduates are sitting right now."
• Avoid "In conclusion..." If it really is your conclusion it should be obvious. If it isn't then you've given us all hope and then destroyed it.
• Nobody but your family and the trustees care that you are here (Note, trustees only care if you are donating money, are a golf buddy, or will attract attention with your fame). Parents just want to hear their child's name announced and you are holding up the show*. Professors just want to go home or go eat (or go drinking depending on the Professor). Students just want to party.

By the time you speak, the crowd is already growing restless. You are not why they are here. Of course if you are a celebrity, none of these rules apply.

As for the alumni speaker, if you go longer than 2 minutes to make your asinine "join the alumni association and give us money" pitch then you are a douche bag. Yes, please, tell us the joke about how you are older than the students but not as old as their parents. That one is hilarious. Or the story about how much (or little) things have changed on campus since last you were there, especially if it involves cafeteria food. Never gets old.

And I care about how much our school still touches your life. Truly.

I need one of those wrap it up signs from the Chapelle show for next year. Or to start sneaking in my ipod. Because I've got decades more of these to sit through.



*My own Father however, enjoyed the speaker for my undergraduate degree immensely. When you know that, you know I had no chance but to be weird.